overriding feeling (as a 34-year-old man in a Burberry biker jacket with a notepad and pen) is one of hapless isolation, marooned between a 20-year-old mother of three girls to my left and five screaming teenagers all aged between 15 and 17 to my right.
I am an interloper trapped within Harry Styles' very own Lynx advert - I'm scared, bewildered and ever so slightly deaf.
Ever since this boy band were forged in the black dystopian kilns of by music mogul Simon Cowell in 2010, the five boys, now five men, have gone on to become bigger than even their creator could have dared dream. They were the first band to break globally through social media - now with more than 13 million followers on Twitter, and that's not even tallying the members' own individual handles.
It's something the director of the film, Morgan Spurlock (), has always been keen to capture on camera, though that isn't to say he's more than a little concerned about convincing a medical professional to go on record about such a potentially taboo-shattering "scientific" experiment. "Although such an experiment is no doubt titillating for the audience, at the time of interviewing Spurlock, I wondered whether it was absolutely necessary.
After all, by now we all know the immense transformative power of a boy band to turn a butter-wouldn't-melt teenage girl into a rabid, knicker-wetting banshee who will tear off her own ears in hysterical fervour when presented with the objects of her fascinations.
Hasn't this spectacle of the natural world - like the aurora borealis or the migration of wild bison across America's Great Plains - been acknowledged?
It was Keith Richards, after all, who testified in the documentary immediate vicinity on Row J, Block 112 at the O2 Arena, only two minutes after One Direction have bounded onto the stage, all big waves and jeans that appear to be at once both skinny and baggy.
These women don't care about the Rolling Stones.
They don't care about the meta-modernist cycle of cultural repetition. All these female fans care about is their immediate vociferous reverence: the beatification of St Harry, St Zayn, St Niall, St Louis and St Liam.
Inside the venue a hormone bomb has gone off: 20,000 females all turning themselves inside out, some almost literally, to the sight of Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne.
One Direction are the biggest pop stars on the planet and the faces of a 100m commercial empire.
They are also the focus of millions of teenage girls' fevered fantasies, a fact we learnt first-hand when we began to receive death threats from fans after our interview below was published.