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Things got real on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor,” with the claws coming out between Amanda and Desiree, and Kacie B. The show started off with Lowe taking Lesley on a one-on-one date to the Guinness Book of World Records museum, where they were tasked with attempting to break the record of the longest onscreen kiss in front of a massive crowd.They succeeded — kissing for longer than three minutes and 16 seconds — and Lesley received a rose. After, the winning team got to spend time with Lowe, and he shared kisses with Lindsay and Desiree.Next came the group date, in which the women were made to play a six vs. He also had some alone time with Amanda, who immediately began talking about them hypothetically being married.

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I caught up eventually and was horrified to find...

She clambered onto his lap and called it "fancy." He called it "A-OK." (I called it "so awkward, I bit my own hand.") There was then some extended kiss choreography that involved the phrases "mouth closed" and "mouth opened" being used way too much for my liking.

I was dying--DYING--for Courtney to come skateboarding by in just a Borat thong or something.

Let me just say: Jamie, I still think you're wonderful. So you had a crazy-embarrassing moment on camera--it's over.

And you'll probably still go down as one of the most normal girls on the show ever.

Anyway, what did you guys all think of the episode?I can hear all you women watching right now, screaming why God, why? You may not like it, but I’ll tell you what I believe is the reason that Ben chooses the most hated woman in Bachelor history to be his bride.You can tell everybody was hungover in this producers' meeting. Courtney hemmed and hawed and pursed her lips, mumbled something about taking it up the tailpipe, and eventually concluded that she had "no respect" for Emily. Then I realized I was 6 minutes behind the live broadcast. She went straight to Courtney and said she was sorry for talking about her. Think Jamie could get five minutes with Ben--you know, one for each sibling she raised? You absolutely must test-drive your new napkin bikini right now? (What looks above like a photo-bomb here, let's remember, was actually a life-bomb.) When I got her one-line email--"I'm so uncomfortable right now"--I was still dealing with Kacie S.'s boyfriend mess. Blakely read from one of the collage clippings as Ben began to sweat profusely: "Together, we'll go far." Yep, right to the waiting limo. You need to make absolutely sure a guy likes you--as in, he's definitely not dating five other women simultaneously--before you make an inspiration board about him.

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